Some years ago in High School my acting career peaked as I won the coveted "Kittie" for "Outstanding Actor." The school was a small one, in rural upstate New York, and few will remember my stirring rendering of Captain Brackett, the island commander in "South Pacific." The role comprised a few dozen lines, but it is the only significant part that doesn't involve singing. I'm tone deaf, so the casting was a wise choice by Mr. Eaton, our music teacher and the show's director. As the only actor in the only dramatic role that year, I was a shoe-in. (Why "Kittie"? No one knows.)
I'm writing now, however, to announce that I am conferring my Kittie on President Donald Trump. Mr. Trump obviously deserves the award more than I do — I think I heard him say in a recent rally that he had starred in eight Broadway musicals. Whether it was really eight or not doesn't matter. What does matter is that the President displays obvious dramatic talent, visible to us all every day, and it is outrageous that my puny school in Elma, NY would dare to bestow a Kittie on a second-rate failed "talent" like me, when to the world it is obvious that Trump is the better actor. Indeed, the best actor ever. (Everyone says so.) This outrage to justice has festered for decades, but now it can be set right. (And may I suggest that the DOJ call off the award-rigging investigation of my alma mater.)
I look forward to seeing my his Kittie in the Oval Office, if space can be found. (The Kittie is plastic, but looks just like gold.) Although I have no acting talent, I do have a modest ability as a woodworker, and so, to properly set off the Kittie I'd be happy to make a very nice wooden base, which can enhance the award in an ensemble that stands more than eight inches tall. As I unpack my tools, I might mention that my school is also the alma mater of Richard Mandrokie, the guy who used to sell pot under the bleachers, now serving three consecutive life sentences handed down during the war on drugs. We all liked Dickie a lot. As the President considers how really nice his wooden stand will look, and how it will bolster the impact of his Kittie, I do hope he'll consider pardoning good old Dickie. I'm ready with some perfect veneer, waiting to get started. Just say the word, Mr. President!
I understand that there are gaps in the schedule at the Donald J. Trump (and Kennedy) Center. The Kittie presentation could be a wonderful event and celebration of the President's stewardship of the arts. (How great that the equally talented first lady could join the ceremony at the President's side.) Even more perfect, how about a revival of our production? I think most of the cast is still alive. Passing the greatest achievement of my life to our capable President: That would be Some Enchanted Evening!