Parking Outside the Box

One minute earlier and you would have had it. "Hell is other people," you say, quoting Jean-Paul Sartre. Yet the eternal task of parking need not be traumatic, and much can be done to alleviate it without paving another inch of paradise, nor writing another ticket. Parking, it turns out, depends on what you drive — and on you:

Sport Utility Vehicles

The ever-popular carbon-belching SUV is perhaps the only non-military vehicle suitable for driving in quicksand and molten lava — making it the obvious car-of-choice for 21st Century urban life. But SUVs also are parking pros due to a little-known trick in their design: they can be stacked. You don't need a fancy crane or lift to pile on a second layer of SUVs in a parking lot — the astute parker can self-stack a typical SUV in no more time than it takes to pancake a squirrel.

It works like this: Suppose you're driving your faithful Ford Exploiter, hoping to grab your favorite parking place in the company lot. But when you get there, you see that your boss Lissa has parked her Grand Chickpea in your slot. If the Chickpea is facing you, just follow these steps:

1. Engage your four-wheel drive.
2. With your Exploiter in first gear, slowly drive straight toward the Chickpea. (Note: Make sure the parking brake in the Chickpea is engaged.)
3. Your car will begin to climb the hood of the other. Proceed slowly up the hood and windshield until you are driving across the top of the Chickpea.
4. You should hear a loud clunk as the docking clamps engage between the two cars. (Important safety note: It is unsafe to stack SUVs if the docking clamp is not engaged, especially if Lissa chooses to drive away while your car is perched on hers. If you don't hear the clamps engage, carefully back down off the Chickpea and try again. It may take several tries to achieve the correct alignment.)

As you can see, this simple technique can greatly reduce parking overload. Indeed, if you and Lissa get together, you can carpool into a new dimension. For the morning commute, mount your Exploiter on the Chickpea, and let Lissa do the driving. Find a nice Dodge Flimflam, and you'll be in for a triple treat.

Other recent-vintage cars

Is your car sort of round and puffy, and looks like an inflatable pillow? If so, then it probably is. Unbeknownst to many consumers, several recent smaller car models are fully inflatable, and hence, deflatable. To see if your car is one of these, simply stand in front of your car with your arms outstretched. Relax, and let yourself fall face first onto the hood. If you drive an inflatable, you'll bounce pleasantly, as if on a waterbed. To deflate, find the nozzle under either the front or rear bumper, and pull out the little plug. Allow the car to settle, squeeze out those last little bits of air, and your vehicle is ready to fold and stash in your backpack or briefcase. When it's time to drive again, allow a few extra minutes to reinflate.

But what if you drive neither a greenhouse gasser nor a powder puff inflatable? It's time for a little creative thinking! Parking isn't just for parking spaces. There is space everywhere, waiting for you, space which is not only wide open but legal — for example, when was the last time you saw a car getting towed from a dentist's waiting room? Where in the law does it say that you can't park in the public library stacks? On a recent rainy day I parked my Prius in the produce section at StopnShop, and no one raised an eyebrow. Creative parkers also scoff at the idea that parking spaces need to be horizontal. Think for a moment of the many possible vertical parking lots around the city, with more going up all the time. With a good parking brake, any brick or concrete building could be great parking, and maybe even save you an elevator trip. All these private places are waiting for you.

Ultimately, however, the "problem" is not spatial at all. You define "looking for parking" as undesirable. Yet while you search you are physically and mentally alert, and engaged in a complex calculation of the physics and psychology of a thousand other cars and their drivers. Parking, in short, is a crucial part of the intellectual life of a lively, interesting person like yourself. That is why elite colleges are considering a Parking Requirement for graduation, mandating a certain number of hours spent circling as a part of a Bachelor's degree. A major in "Parking Studies" is also in the works, and keys to Zipcars are now part of most financial aid packages. The strategic value of maximizing the number of cruisers has not been overlooked, as institutions of all sorts realize that every worker currently looking for a parking place is a worker who is not taking up a precious office, dining hall, or meeting space. Your company can assign two persons to every desk, as long as one of them is looking for parking.

But more of us have to get cruising if America is to be great again. State and local government can help by digging more large holes and surrounding them with orange barrels. But it is finally up to each of us with access to a car to overcome our distaste for the quest. Comrades, start your engines! (I think I just saw someone leave a spot on Main just across from the Dunkin Donuts.)

Dan Lloyd is a Professor of Philosophy. His other car is a pair of shoes.