We're telling you, it deserves the hype. But before we begin, a warm up: Please fully imagine the first sexual fantasy that comes to mind when I say: sexual fantasy. Cue it up. OK, now run the scene but in six percent gravity. Twelve pound you getting it on with your eleven pound partner. Don't bang your head on the ceiling! (Local teens call it beachballing.) You're catching on: sex on Pluto is fun and also funny.
The View, obviously. With its oblique orbit, Pluto looks down on THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM. The bright dot is the sun, but as you'll see there's no light pollution, even at high noon. Never mind that even Jupiter is too faint to see; enjoy the endless cold expanse of hopelessly tiny points of light.
Speaking of sun, Pluto provides, free of charge, permanent mood lighting. Many a tryst on other planets derails as one tryster pulls the shades or dims the lights, killing the ambiguity. On Pluto, the sky is always ready for love.
And happy hour lasts through at least three pitchers of Pina Coladas, since Pluto's "day" lasts 6.39 earth days. You like to say, it's always happy hour somewhere? The custom on Pluto: it's always happy hour everywhere. (Likewise, breakfast is usually available 153/7.) They say that in Pluto's fractional gravity, endless deep twilight and skimpy atmosphere, alcohol leaves one giddy, frisky, and ready for love. On this, we have no official confirmation, but why not check it out?
Location, location, location: Pluto is off the beaten path. Not only does this make our planet a hidden gem destination, it offers a level of discretion and privacy no other planet can match. If you and your partner(s) need a place to meet where no one can ever ever find you, we have a planet for you, no questions asked. What happens on Pluto, dissipates forever on Pluto.
At passport control: Unlike quarantined and plague-ridden destinations like Titan or Io, your risk of biocontamination here is quite low. And we aim to keep it that way: If you stopped at planets in quarantined zones en route you will be denied entry to Pluto.
After hours, you'll naturally delight in the crusty and capable settlers who have made Pluto into the icy spitball that travel sites love to omit. Getting along with the locals is easy but do respect a few rules of conversational conduct:
Do NOT call Pluto a planetoid, or planetesimal, or pathetic deep space turd. Pluto is a PLANET.
Similarly, "Plutonian" is NOT "Plutonium"! Plutonians are the residents of Pluto, which is the most plutonian of the planets. Plutonium, on the other hand, is element 238 on the Periodic Table. Plutonium is a principal ingredient in atomic bombs. Plutonians regard mixups of these terms as a grave insult. Older Plutonians regard naming element 238 after their peaceful and chill planet as a primordial sin. Their petitions to the IPC (International Physics Consortium), however, have had little effect.
Another no-no: You may remember the controversy surrounding the pole vault during the last Planetary Olympics, when the Plutonian athlete Mack Strimmer cleared the bar at 49.5 meters. Plutonians will never forgive the Olympic judges for disqualifying Strimmer, who remains aloft, and every day extends his record jump toward interstellar space by several kilometers. Put that in your record books! Why, really, does it matter that the vaulter actually returns to the ground — that's not the point, is it? As Plutonians remain stung by this event, it is probably best not to bring it up.
Now you know what not to say, but you should not hesitate to soak up the local culture. Striking up a conversation with the famously taciturn Plutonians can be a challenge, but rewarding should you succeed. A few opening lines might break the ice (which, btw, is made of nitrogen with a dash of carbon monoxide):
"Oort Cloud looking a bit overcast, you think?" (Bear in mind that older Plutonians, dismayed at the arrival of tourists, often aspire to retire in the Oort Cloud. They may respond with wistful descriptions of asteroids with golf courses and Denny's. Your best strategy is to go along with these delusions. No one actually lives in the Oort Cloud!)
"Can you believe what's happening on _____?" (Lately, that would be Neptune. The elections, of course. Bear in mind that some — a few — Plutonians support the regime. Tact always!)
"Say, can you recommend a driving range?" (This is a point of pride. Pluto's famous golf courses are unique — with a solid drive your golf ball will reach orbital escape velocity. Maybe you've hit a hole in one … on Proxima Centauri!)
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Since the answer will be No, follow with: "In my dreams, then."
Finally, please think with empathy on that shameful episode when Pluto was demoted to planetoid. Although the controversy brought Pluto some exposure, the net effect was devastating to our economy, and we are still struggling to recover. (Unemployment is nearly 50%.) Visiting Pluto, therefore, pumps needed dollars into our system. Your vacation on PLANET Pluto is a win for everyone!
Yes, Pluto. Where YES is what you'll hear from your partner, although in this very relaxed and thin atmosphere, you'll hear it quite faintly.